The home of happy, blended families

Source: Home

The home of happy, blended families

Source: Home

I happened to be living in Newcastle at the time, and a friend was having a farewell in Sydney before she went overseas to live. She invited me to her farewell in Sydney, and I happened to meet Marc at this event. Over the coming months we stayed in contact and caught up between Sydney and Newcastle. It wasn’t until probably 3 or 4 months into catching up that he let me know he had kids…I knew he had split from his wife sometime before, but the kids was a new element. So it was a surprise, but I had always been good with kids, but it definitely wasn’t something I had considered as fitting into my world at that time. However, it didn’t frighten me off, and we continued to catch up, and Marc organised a catch up with his kids. I actually took it as a compliment, as to want to introduce your family to someone new is a big deal. So this is when I met Britt and Reg, they were 5 and 3 at the time, but both good kids, and the kids warmed to me. Marc got called into work and he needed to leave the kids with me for an hour or so – this was great, it gave the kids a chance to bond with me and get to know me, and visa versa.

It would have been a few weeks later when I met Lou, and I was a bit nervous about that..being the new person in the situation does that…but Lou was lovely, gorgeous and very  pleasant and had a lovely relationship with her children, and I think (hopefully) she recognised I was a nice person and would do right by her children…although it probably took a while for that to happen. Within a few months after meeting the children, I moved in with Marc, and so the start of becoming a stepmum began!

Becoming a stepmum, I don’t believe, is something that comes naturally – it is no different to becoming a mum…you don’t get a handbook on what to do, how to behave, or know where you fit into an already made family. I do believe though, if you are raised to be a good person, ensure kids needs are put first, and just have a positive outlook, you can figure most other things out along the way. My parents had split while I was in my final year at school, and throughout this process and even still today, my parents have always made sure they get along well, and that as children our needs were put first, and we were never involved in any of their “baggage” or “issues”. So I was lucky to have had this experience to draw on as I entered this stage of my life.

Becoming a stepmum has enriched my life, I know I have helped to ensure we have a happy blended family, that my stepkids know that the norm of divorce and new /blended families doesn’t have to mean disharmony and dealing with adult issues before their time. My stepkids are great kids, and always have been, I have learnt from having them in my life, that you can juggle studies/work and kids – you can do all of this together, and be successful with all of these things.  I have a daughter now, and Lou is like a “stepmum” to her, she has a brother and sister who she sees nearly every week. We have regular catch ups as a family, some adhoc some planned, and quite often it is just Lou and I catching up as the kids all play basketball together with their dad! When Marc and I married years later, we had Britt and Reg in the bridal party, and had Lou at our wedding as well – to me family is family, and this is our family.

Lou and I are both – hardworking, well educated, empathetic and compassionate women, who just happened to know its about the kids, and I think our relationship was based on these things – be a good person, look after the children and be nice. Both Lou and I want to share our experience, as we have what I think a lot of people would like – to have a happy blended family. It doesn’t come without challenges, but it is about what you want for your family and what you put in and I guess having an open outlook on lift to adapt as you go, so when those challenges come up you can work around them. I have been a member of this family now for around 14 years, so our experience is not a one or 5 year experience, we have had a solid blended family for a long time – so we have a lot of time from which we can draw our experience from.

So, this is where we are at….stepwives…..as we kind of are like stepwives – we want to share through writing blogs/books and sharing our experience.

Marc and I had been together for more than 10 years when things started to head south.  We tried for a couple of years to work things out and when it was clear that we would be better apart than together we separated and moved into different houses.

I had tried to keep things together for as long as possible for the sake of the children, but when it became apparent that it wasn’t after all in the best interest of the children, I thought the next best thing was for the children to have two families rather than one. The children were 6 and 3 at the time.

I didn’t like how separated families called themselves separate which implies half as good, and then treated themselves this way.  I liked, rather, to consider that the children would have two of everything rather than half: 2 houses, 2 mothers, 2 fathers, 2 birthday parties, 2 Christmases. Etc etc.  I thought it was a much better way to pitch the separation to them as well.

The other thing that was apparent to me was that whilst the divorce lawyers said I could have the children on alternate Christmas’s, alternate Easters, mothers day and my birthday etc, that firstly I didn’t really like the alternate idea, and secondly since Marc’s family were all overseas I didn’t like the idea of him being on his own on any of those occasions either. Regardless of the fact we were having a rough time with the divorce and fighting during every conversation, that didn’t take away from the fact that he was still the father of our children and he wanted to be with them as much as I did, and being lonely at Christmas was one of the worst feelings I could think to have and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone the father of our children.

The first Christmas was a few months after we’d moved into our new place and somehow it landed that I was to have the children for that Christmas.  Thinking that I didn’t want Marc to be on his own (and also that I didn’t want to be on my own the following Christmas) I invited him for a sleepover.  The children were sooo happy that mum and dad woke up in the same place on that first Christmas that I think they didn’t even notice whether Santa had arrived or not.  From that day to this, we have always celebrated all major events together.  As uncomfortable as it was for both of us at the beginning, the joy on the children’s faces over-rode anything that we were individually feeling.

Within the first year of separation I noticed when Marc dropped the kids off there was someone else in the car.  He didn’t invite her in which I thought was a bit rude, so I said next time he should invite her in to say hello.  I didn’t want her sitting in the car on her own feeling uncomfortable and like I didn’t care about, or want to know who she was.  I found out her name was Rachel and the children said she was lovely.

It had also occurred to me in the past that even though we could not make our marriage work, it didn’t mean he couldn’t make a happy life with someone else, and certainly didn’t mean he was never going to have sex again.  With that in mind, I had decided that it was in my best interest to make friends with whoever he decided he wanted to be with, so that we could all work together as a family for the benefit of the children.

Shortly afterwards, Rachel started coming in to say hi at drop off times.  Of course, she was lovely and delightful and I could see how comfortable the children felt with her.  For me, it was the best of both worlds, a happy home with me and a happy home with their dad.  If there has to be a separation, the best thing you can ever ask for is someone like Rachel to be a step mum to your precious babies.  I think in the beginning Marc struggled a bit with the children so young on his own.  Rachel was like an angel sent from above to help him cope…. and to help me feel happy that when they weren’t with me, that they were in another loving family environment and they were safe, cared for and loved.

I think our mutual respect for each other comes both from the backgrounds we are from, but also that we have a non-jealous attitude towards each other and in all instances a desire to make sure that the innocent ones in the whole picture always come first.

We absolutely LOVE this letter from a beautiful woman to her daughter’s stepmom:-

To My Daughter’s Stepmom I never wanted you here. You simply were never part of the plan. Growing up and dreaming of my family I never included you.   I didn’t want help from ano…

Source: An Open Letter To My Daughter’s Stepmom