Personally, I don’t like arguments, I like harmony in the home, so this is probably why it was so easy for me to be able to liaise with Lou regarding the kids, as I don’t like unease – and while Lou and Marc worked through their history, there was a bit of unease. That said, I am realistic, and arguing does occur – so keep it very simple –

1. Ensure children are not present when these discussions take place – it is completely unnecessary to have children involved in arguments
2. Aim for a win-win in these discussions – be prepared to give a little from BOTH sides
3. Consider a mediator, it doesn’t have to be a paid professional – perhaps a sounding board – perhaps someone aware of the situation that can remove the emotion and assist with a broader perspective for all parties
4. Get professional assistance (ie counselor) if needed

Remember, if your kids see this, they will remember this, and these arguments place such enormous strain on them – they deserve to have love and feel love from both parents, not be caught in a tug of war of who’s side do they take or who do they believe when they hear this arguing. I remember early on Britt saying to me, “why can’t daddy and mummy get along as well as you and mummy get along” – I felt just awful that she could feel the tension, and my response was “they will get along soon, they just have some things to work out”. And they did work things out, but it really increased our awareness to ensuring they were not party to any conversations that were beyond their years.

Remember – kids notice things way more than you think they do. Be sure they get to see their parents in the best possible light at all times – it will help them to be happy well adjusted adults as they grown up.

 

I am a non-confrontation type person and will avoid arguments whenever and wherever possible.  I am also have a fairly even temperament and it takes a lot to get me wound up.  Most people I know would say they can’t imagine me raising my voice and I very rarely do, but believe me when we were going through the separation, the slightest thing would set me off.

It’s very difficult when you have so much history, so much hurt,  mistrust, different agendas, other opinions and all the other things that go along with a separation to remove all of that and stay rational during a discussion involving the children.  Marc and I could seriously NOT have a discussion about anything without it turning into an argument.

We were incredibly lucky to have Rachel, who was able to mediate for us and negotiate a forward moving plan.  She didn’t have the history that we had, she didn’t remember what I’d said 6 months ago, or how Marc had reacted to something 2 years prior.  She took situations, worked through them rationally and helped us both come to a decision that worked in everyone’s favour.   Of course she was married to Marc and barely knew me, so her allegiance was with him, but I actually never felt like she was unfair towards me, or biased in any way.  If we were having an argument about pick up time that had resulted in something like “but last time you said you’d be here and you weren’t, how do I know you’re going to show up this time”, or “that’s not fair, I’ve done pickup 3 weeks in a row now”. Rachel would often call me back after Marc had hung up the phone and let me know that she’d discussed things with him and that either she would be there or he would be there on time.

It’s probably not always going to be the case that you find a mediator like Rachel, but I would really encourage trying to find someone who is a friend of you both who can step in during difficult discussions and try and work out a peaceful plan where everyone gives a little and a suitable arrangement is met that can work for everyone.

There are plenty of family counselors around who offer mediator services.  Discussing things with them will help, but they might not always be the person you can call on a Saturday afternoon when you’re having struggles coming to an agreement on something.

If you can’t find a mediator, perhaps try writing the facts down on paper.  It’s really important to leave the past behind you and try and focus now and the future.

1. Keep the kids out of any heated discussions or arguments, nobody wins when this happens
2. Remove the emotion and work through the logic of the disagreement and compromise
3. Is it a deal breaker to win the argument- or is it payback?