Marc and I had been together for more than 10 years when things started to head south.  We tried for a couple of years to work things out and when it was clear that we would be better apart than together we separated and moved into different houses.

I had tried to keep things together for as long as possible for the sake of the children, but when it became apparent that it wasn’t after all in the best interest of the children, I thought the next best thing was for the children to have two families rather than one. The children were 6 and 3 at the time.

I didn’t like how separated families called themselves separate which implies half as good, and then treated themselves this way.  I liked, rather, to consider that the children would have two of everything rather than half: 2 houses, 2 mothers, 2 fathers, 2 birthday parties, 2 Christmases. Etc etc.  I thought it was a much better way to pitch the separation to them as well.

The other thing that was apparent to me was that whilst the divorce lawyers said I could have the children on alternate Christmas’s, alternate Easters, mothers day and my birthday etc, that firstly I didn’t really like the alternate idea, and secondly since Marc’s family were all overseas I didn’t like the idea of him being on his own on any of those occasions either. Regardless of the fact we were having a rough time with the divorce and fighting during every conversation, that didn’t take away from the fact that he was still the father of our children and he wanted to be with them as much as I did, and being lonely at Christmas was one of the worst feelings I could think to have and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone the father of our children.

The first Christmas was a few months after we’d moved into our new place and somehow it landed that I was to have the children for that Christmas.  Thinking that I didn’t want Marc to be on his own (and also that I didn’t want to be on my own the following Christmas) I invited him for a sleepover.  The children were sooo happy that mum and dad woke up in the same place on that first Christmas that I think they didn’t even notice whether Santa had arrived or not.  From that day to this, we have always celebrated all major events together.  As uncomfortable as it was for both of us at the beginning, the joy on the children’s faces over-rode anything that we were individually feeling.

Within the first year of separation I noticed when Marc dropped the kids off there was someone else in the car.  He didn’t invite her in which I thought was a bit rude, so I said next time he should invite her in to say hello.  I didn’t want her sitting in the car on her own feeling uncomfortable and like I didn’t care about, or want to know who she was.  I found out her name was Rachel and the children said she was lovely.

It had also occurred to me in the past that even though we could not make our marriage work, it didn’t mean he couldn’t make a happy life with someone else, and certainly didn’t mean he was never going to have sex again.  With that in mind, I had decided that it was in my best interest to make friends with whoever he decided he wanted to be with, so that we could all work together as a family for the benefit of the children.

Shortly afterwards, Rachel started coming in to say hi at drop off times.  Of course, she was lovely and delightful and I could see how comfortable the children felt with her.  For me, it was the best of both worlds, a happy home with me and a happy home with their dad.  If there has to be a separation, the best thing you can ever ask for is someone like Rachel to be a step mum to your precious babies.  I think in the beginning Marc struggled a bit with the children so young on his own.  Rachel was like an angel sent from above to help him cope…. and to help me feel happy that when they weren’t with me, that they were in another loving family environment and they were safe, cared for and loved.

I think our mutual respect for each other comes both from the backgrounds we are from, but also that we have a non-jealous attitude towards each other and in all instances a desire to make sure that the innocent ones in the whole picture always come first.