Money is a delicate thing to discuss across families, particularly when partners have split and there are lingering feelings (of the not so positive) that interfere with what is the right thing to do. That said, as adults, conversations and considerations of financial support will and do need to happen.

It isn’t unusal for a child to be aware or be party to a discussion around cost of living  (such as sports fees, school fees, rent/mortage etc – not necessairly the details, but a basic understanding of living)- but you don’t want a child to think they can’t do something as they are so concerned about the financial stress it might put on mum or dad. For us, each time we had major life changes for the kids, we had discussions as a family – and I was always included and always felt my input was appreciated and valued.  Britt and Reg went to private schools – so this was discussed, the different schools available, and the right fit of schooling for each child, and money was just a part of this discussion.  This occured with most things, such as Christmas, birthdays etc – what did the kids want, what was resonable for their age and what the costs were. As a new partner in the relationship, you need to expect as part of taking on the role as step parent you will also have a financial impact – you can resent this, or accept this is part of the role. I think if you resent this, it would lead to internal arguments, and not foster a healthy relationship. I’m not saying you will be paying school fees or such, but you will often have the children and may take them to movies, out to lunch – for me – I have a giving nature, so it didn’t bother me to pay for these types of things, or if I found nice clothing or toys, to just purchase them. This outlook isnt for everyone, but for me, to know that I was able to do nice things for the kids and not have money as an issue thinking “he or she should be paying for this” worked well for me

Put grievances to the side, at the end of the day, when there are children involved, both parents have responsibilities to raise their children, and monetary responsibilities just happen to be one of those responsibilities. For me, I always encouraged Marc to ensure that he did the right things by the kids and financially supported them, and for me as the new partner – to be a good person and do the right thing, there was no other alternative to even think of – I think this would be more a poor reflection on me to even suggest this. There is nothing to be gained for a new partner coming in and encouraging her new partner to not pay to support the kids – to me this just encourages bad blood across the entire family unit – nothing is gained.

What I would say is that if you need  to check that the financial income of the partner that pays the other parent support is considered (and vise versa so the parent with the child/ren is not struggling) and the payments are fair and reasonable, and any commitments made are stuck with. Consider this for the weekly/monthly payments, and then the foward planning of sports activities, music, school trips, clothing etc. It doesnt matter how it is worked out – whether it is the parent pays the school fees (private school fees are very high) and the other parent pays for day to day living, or all bills for the kids are split…just make so it is fair to both parents and that money doesnt then interfered with the building of a healthy family relationship. For some families having a setup where you pay the school fees direct to the school can assist to remove an ex partner from thinking they are paying “the ex” money as opposed to financially supporting the kids. I think you need to think outside the box as to what will work for you, and just be sure that the kids needs are considered in all of this.

Money is the most sensitive and crucial part of a divorce.  No matter how much money there is, I have NEVER heard both parties in a divorce say that they are happy with the outcome.  It’s more likely that someone feels hard done by – whether they are the mum who doesn’t know how she’s going to pay all the bills and care for the children at the same time, or the dad who thinks he “got taken to the cleaners”.  Whatever the case, it is a very personal and very sensitive topic.

My perspective on Money obviously comes from the single mother side.  It doesn’t really matter how much money you get up front, working full time and caring for 2 children 80% of the time is expensive and hard work on your own. This was particularly stressful for me in the early days when the children were young and holding down a full time job was near impossible.  What I also found was that the stress of worrying about what was ‘fair’ and what I should ‘expect’ in terms of child support was worse than not expecting anything.  I decided early on to expect nothing and if anything ever arrived then it would be a bonus.  This helped me to move on.  I struggled through the first through years, and mostly felt like I was doing 2 jobs badly – I was a bad worker because I was always rushing off for emergencies and missing meetings, or getting to work late because of some kind of drama at drop off.  I was also a bad mother because during the times when I stayed back for a meeting, or got stuck on a phone call and was late for daycare pickup.  My solution was to get an au-pair.  I found a great online site that helped me pick  girls from all over the world who would come and live with us for free whilst being there for drop offs and pick ups.  It was a great deal and really helped me through those early years.  We had au-pairs until the children started high school and were old enough to look after themselves.

Child support and who pays for what really needs to be a case by case situation so I can’t tell you how yours should work, but I can tell you that getting hung up on ‘fairness’ does not help you make the most of your own capabilities as a working mum and carer.  Having to work full time to make a good life for you and your children is not the worst thing in the world that can happen.  There are some great new statistics on working mothers and children.  In my case, my two have been very self sufficient for a long time.  They have had responsibilities like shopping, managing money, looking after each other, picking each other up etc since they were young and I think they are better and more sensible adults for it.

Over the years, I have had a few partners and have experienced money issues from the other side;  from those who religiously pay the exact amount of money that they initially agreed on, to those who go to extreme lengths to hide their income so as to avoid the child support agency altogether.  The former are the ones with the best relationships with their x’s and their children, the latter I break up with immediately!!   It’s evident fairly quickly when father’s are evading responsibility – they think they are “winning” by scamming the system, but ultimately they are the losers.  There’s probably a lot of real reasons for this, but mostly, I reckon it’s bad karma.  It’s amazing the lengths I’ve heard about that guys go to in order to not “earn” any money – mostly it makes them broke and unhappy along the way.  The same can be said of mothers who are holding onto bitterness about not getting what they think they deserved.  Bitterness leads nowhere. Sort yourself out, work out your finances, stay on top of things and move on.

1. Decide early on what the arrangements should be and then stick to them
2. Don’t hold back your own potential of being an amazing, inspiring working mother by being bitter about what you didn’t get during the separation – move on and be amazing
3. Work on surviving financially on your own without financial assistance from your x.  That way, any child support can either go into bank accounts for your children for later, or to schooling, or other things that will benefit them down the track.
4. Have family discussions to work out the “big picture things” which are normally the big expense things as well – work out what the plan is and commit financially to this
5. Be honest around any dealings with money
6. Don’t allow the kids feel bad – ensure that no discussions such as “you left me, or she took all my money, you need to pay me more money” are NEVER had around them