For me, this was one of the easiest things for me to master quickly – and I wasn’t the type of nurturing mum figure – I don’t want people to think that I was a natural “mum type person” as I wasn’t. I was good with kids, but having kids wasn’t high on my priority of things to do in the near future. It is a mindset – if there are kids in the picture, you have to be acutely aware that they are innocent and just want to be loved and cared for, and if you enter a relationship with kids, that you need to ensure their needs are considered at the forefront of anything you do. I think it helped that Britt and Reg were just 5 and 3 – an age where they naturally need care and comfort – and this is something they welcome from adults they are with in a family environment. I acknowledge as children get older it would become more difficult as they also are developing more emotions and thoughts on the world and their own environment is more developed so change like a new partner can be more disruptive.so you also need to setup expectations across the step parent and existing parent in the relationship so there is a fair balance for all involved and the kids still get the best care possible.

The care for a child is not just the preparing of meals, bathing, getting children to bed….you have the logistics of children to consider such as pick up and drops offs, sport training and weekend games, birthday parties for the kids and their friends, and juggling your needs and work commitments as well. To make it work, you need to have open communication across all parties to ensure that everyone knows what is going on across the two households to ensure that the kids can be involved in all activities as discussed above and not miss out. Our situation required quite a lot of involvement from myself, in the first few years as Marc and Lou had difficulty communicating while they were still working through their emotions and history As I had no emotion attached to their history, or “baggage” as people refer to it, it allowed me to be impartial to their views of one another. I was able to focus on the here and now, and how I could make a difference – putting the kids needs first.  The difficulty in communicating well for them would only impact the children, so to make some changes in communication channels and with whom, puts the kids first.   Not all situations will require this, but for me it made the situation in our home, and for the kids and Lou, a much happier one all around, and with no history clouding things for me, it was simply to be heavily involved in pick ups drop off and organising calendars across the households. Not just that, but it also allowed Lou and I to get to know each other and allowed us to foster a healthy relationship with each other.

Lou, Marc and I regularly emailed (weekly, sometimes daily) to ensure that we were able to manage everything for the kids (particularly as the kids got older and had two or three sports a week – and the training that goes with this, and not always being played locally) around our normal weekly schedule of work and our own social commitments. Being involved in an already pre-made family, is a lifelong commitment, so I would encourage partners entering a pre-made family to be aware of this, and be prepared to take on the commitment required. I remember my parents (who are divorced) always told me, kids come first – they don’t ask to be brought into the world, so their needs are priority. So I firmly believer that my parents really helped me prepare for a step parent role (without knowing it I am sure) to be the best step parent you can be for the kids.  It gets easier as the kids get older – they are used to the routines across the households, and they become more independent, then they get drivers licences and you rarely see them!

One of the saddest things I ever saw was when I was with a friend picking up her daughter from her dads place after a weekend.  She got into the car and said something like “Daddy said you need to send money with me next time because we didn’t have enough money to buy food because you spend all the money on other things”.  Her reply was “well Daddy is a selfish, useless dickhead who should go and get a job and pay for his food himself.  It’s not my job to look after him as well as you”.  I remember seeing the face of this innocent child in my rear vision mirror and it was heartbreaking.  Here are two of the people she loves most in the world, the people who protect and look after her, the people she trusts – and they both can’t be right – one of them was lying to her.  How can a child be put in a position where he/she is forced to take sides?  How is that fair? These are adult problems, these are adults fighting about who should be supporting a child they both love.  These are adults who can’t come to an agreement on the best way to co-parent, and here is a small child being forced to either dislike her mother or her father either for lying to her, or for being a horrible person (if she was to believe one or the other).

As hard as it seems sometimes, as the adult, you need to resist the temptation to react to negative feedback that comes home from the other parent.  Ignore it and move on, it doesn’t deserve a response and it’s not fair to put children in the middle of the argument. Think of the children – always put them first.  Find something reassuring to say back – something like “I don’t think daddy/mummy meant it that way, they probably just mean…..”

Using children as pawns in the game is reprehensible.  If you feel like you are not getting what you want, or you feel like you need some revenge (see overcoming jealousy) sort it out some other way.  Don’t hold your kids to ransom.

 

1. When you’re feeling angry, stop and think about how your child feels about the situation – always put their needs first
2. If you’re getting negative feedback, try and turn it into a positive – always try and paint the other parent in a good light
3. Be patient and understanding, the message is simple – its about the kids at all times