It is really important to have boundaries around behavious and standards in both households. The primary boundaries that we had in place were

1. Set weekends (and week days) it allowed for better planning across both houses and gave the kids consistency
2. Bath and meal times – kids always had meals and then baths then bed
3. Expected behaviours – manners such as please and thank you, taking plates to the kitchen, making their beds, cleaning up their toys- same type of behaviours that you would ensure happened if the original household had not split

We also had set standards as adults – these were easy to establish as really it was about having consistency for the kids

1. Pick up and drop off times
2. No changing of weekends unless absolutely necessary
3. Communcation of sports, social activities such as other kids birthday parties, special occasions like family wedding anniversarys, special birthdays of other family members – so kids didn’t miss out on things
4. Ensuring communications across adults was always happy so children saw uniformity and balance

Kids then have consistency and also are not tempted to try and manipulate/get away with more in one household. And it made it easy as adults planning things as well socially for each house- everything was set, occasionally something would come up, or we would chat across the household about things – I think the kids enjoyed that things just worked. Lou was excellent at sending emails each week detailing sports activities, parent teacher conferences, and all the things that she had the kids involved in. So the hard work was done, we just needed to pencil into our schedules – let her know if something would be an issue (and vise versa for her) and we always managed to juggle around things so thing just worked.

In our case, boundaries seemed to work themselves out without too much trouble, but I have heard of some horror stories.

Boundaries are quite a personal thing, and again something that should be sorted through quite early in the relationship.  It may be that you need to have them written down, or you might find that all parties are quite similar and they may just be implied.

For me, the things that should be the responsibility of the parents are:-

• schooling
• medical issues
• food issues in the case of allergies
• travel arrangements
• language (eg: acceptance of swearing)
• pocket money/allowances
• friends and sleep over policies

Once the parents have agreed on these key issues, then it is the responsibility of all parties to adhere to those rules.  Once you’ve made the rules on the key topics, the step-parent should have the ability to have freedom of decision making on other non-key issues, like what they puts in school lunch boxes, what they allow them to wear on a particular day, organising after school play dates, passing on information that’s come home from school with them on a particular day, helping with party planning and many other things.

It is always of utmost importance to never speak badly about another adult/parent – be it the child’s mother/father or the step mother/father.  If there are issues between the parents, they are adult issues.  They are NOT at any point children‘s issues.  If you have a problem with the other party, discuss it with them privately and not in front of your children.  You should only ever be supportive of the other party in conversations with your children.  It is natural for your child to think that the new person in the equation does things the wrong way.  Supporting the step-parent rather than snickering quietly to yourself “haha, i knew she’d mess up – yay me” will bring cohesion to your blended family unit and show the children a consistent and unified approach to their upbringing.

We know that consistency in parenting breeds happy, healthy children. Again, our theme is always for the children to know they are loved by everyone.  Keeping them out of adult issues is one of the best ways to achieve this.  It also really comes in handy during the teenage years when they get smart enough to start playing parents off each other to get their way.  Having set rules and a unified approach to parenting will make sure there’s no holes for them to slip through the net and into trouble.

During Brit’s early teenage years, she was in the back of the car with one of her friends and she said this: “you know what would be really good? If your parents were separated and hated each other and never spoke to each other.  Then you could get away with anything.”

During those early teenage years, Marc and I spoke almost daily on issues regarding boundaries for the children – wanting to go to parties, wanting more freedom, completing homework and many other things.  Rachel always stood by and supported any decisions we made with regard to this.  She was also happy for us to be having these regular conversations.  I’ve never felt like Rachel was angry or jealous of the amount of time we needed to have discussions about these things.  She was always supportive and always offered help and opinions when needed.  Sometimes it’s great to have a good cop/bad cop/intermediate cop!

Brit also said on another occasion: “You and Dad talk every day!!! you are like an old married couple who just don’t live together”.

1. Set the rules and stick to them
2. Make sure that everyone is on the same page with the rules
3. Communicate between all parties – all the time
4. Set up boundaries/standards for kids (this will vary from house to house) so they have consistent accepted behaviours in each house
5. Set up standards and expectations with all adult parties