You have two households working to different schedules/agendas. The more kids and more activities they have the more you have to juggle.  Communication is the key to ensuring that both schedules/agendas have the kids needs considered first, and the reality is that as adults you need to accept that things you may have once done without too much consideration such as catching up with friends, having weekends away etc, will change. This isn’t just for the new partner – this is for all adults involved. As the two households are establishing themselves as separate entities, this means that new routines will need to be established, and that adults will also want to re-establish “normality” of social life – and so this means this will come into play. Planning and communication are the two best elements across the households to ensure that “normality” for the adults is there, and that the kids life as they know it also remains as normal as possible.

You need to have solid agreements on the following:

1. Schooling – which school, pick up and drop offs, homework etc
2. Holidays – where the kids will be each holiday
3. Weekends – a week night and alternate weekends worked for us, but when sports activities were on and closer to our house more sleepovers happened – be prepared to change and adjust to children’s changing schedules
4. Birthdays – mum, dad, step parents and kids – work out how this will be so there is fairness if you split the time – for us, we share all of these events
5. Christmas – some families do alternate each year – for us, we have done Christmas at alternative houses each year as a family – one year Lou’s place, one year our place and involve any other family in town visiting
6. Mothers day and fathers day – ask the kids what they want always helps to establish what to do
7. Social activities/sports

Key elements to consider in this

1 Who will do regular pick up and drop offs – from school, birthday parties, sport etc

2 Financial costs of things – have no surprises – ensure in the communication of activities such as sport and music or other social occasions

3 Who attends which sports/play/music etc – be sure this is shared out so no child is left out

As long as you plan, communicate and involve all parties (including the kids), and be prepared to compromise and change plans as needed, it really isn’t that difficult. The financial impact usually comes up with each major considerations. Ensure all parties are thoughtful of incomes and existing financial considerations so that one household isn’t put in a situation they cannot commit to. Make sure at all times that if changes are made to agenda’s/schedules that the kids are aware this has occurred, and that this will happen from time to time. Ensure that you are not blaming the other household/persons for having to change schedules. Things happen in life, things change, people get sick last minute invites might come up – be flexible that when these things happen, schedules may need to juggle – just be sure kids are not in the middle of this or feel they have got somehow neglected.

Different agendas can be hard to manage when you have multiple people involved in relationships.  It’s one thing when there’s two separated people dealing with each other, but add one other partner and another personality and you’ve got 3 agendas to keep up with, then if the other partner gets a new partner, we’re up to 4 and things can get really tricky.  It’s like breeding rabbits all of a sudden, personalities, x’s, children and the potential for trauma multiplies each time.

For me, bringing any potential partner into our family, and my children’s lives is a very carefully structured decision.  It’s not just about me and how I feel about them, but how they will relate to my children, how my children will relate to their children and how will they feel about being included in extended family Christmases and birthdays etc.

I think in all circumstances it’s vitally important to make sure that you consider everyone’s feelings and personalities and try to understand how it feels from the other person’s side and the other children’s perspective.  If there’s difficulty with agendas, and schedules try and leave out emotions and deal with facts.

1. Communication, communication, communication
2. Plan ahead
3. Have solid agreements in place
4. Remain factual  – leave the emotion out